Sunday, February 26, 2006

Wendy, Give Me the Bat

Friday, February 24, 2006

Gretchen Bleiler "Biomug"

Thursday, February 23, 2006

As Requested...

Where do you rate these Olympic ladies?

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

Things Don't Bode Well For U.S. at Winter Olympics

The Winter Olympics have not gone well for the United States.

So far, corporate pitch man, all-time drinker, and sometime skier Bode Miller has failed to win a medal, disappointing legions of fans that logged on to in the hopes of, (I guess) living vicariously through him. In the past two weeks, Miller has been disqualified from an event, been conspicuously absent from early morning course inspections, and appeared completely exhausted after a second run in the Men's Giant Slalom.

Furthermore, gold medal hopeful Michelle Kwan injured her groin (Sorry about that, my bad - ed.) and flew back to the United States, her career essentially finished.

The U.S. Hockey team choked in their first tournament match against Finland after scoring hardly any goals in the qualifying rounds.

The Curling team took it in the face from Canada twice in two days.

Some black speedskater won a gold medal but overshadowed his own success by acting like a douche towards his teammates. Or maybe his teammates were doing that to him. Either way, they looked like idiots.

And finally, Lindsey Jacobellis blew a first place finish in a sport we fucking made up not even 10 years ago by showboating on her final jump and falling on her creepy-looking behind.


Drudging America

Do you read the Drudge Report?

If so, you are aware that the not-so-hidden secret of inside-the-beltway-reporting is that everyone does, usually a few times a day, and most news stories break there before they ever reach 24-hour news networks or the front page of major newspapers. A clever mix of international politics, Washington rumor-mill, and "human interest" stories, as well as a massive collection of links to almost any website you can think of dealing with politics (Rosie O'Donnell?), the Drudge Report stands as the unchallenged champion of wire-to-net news reporting. (There are a lot of hyphens in that paragraph. - ed)

Even more interesting than the website itself, is the background of its creator, Matt Drudge.

Any biography, no matter how short, that can be found on the world-wide-web about the enigmatic Drudge, begins by describing him as an awkward, lonely, sad and ostracized child. (So this one will do the same. - ed) Most describe him as conservative. Some complain that his views slant his approach to reporting. (I see little evidence of this. - ed) Drudge himself claims to be closer to a libertarian. Details concerning his personal life abound. He did not attend college. (COLLEGE!!!!!! - ed) Various accounts have him formerly employed as a store clerk at a 7-Eleven, a Time/Life phone salesman, again as a clerk in a New York grocery store, and finally as a clerk in the gift shop of CBS Studios in California. Obsessed with a nostalgic view of journalists from the 20's and 30's, Drudge fashions himself a modern day "muckraker" and dresses the part, often appearing to have stepped directly out of a James Cagney film. He earns over a million dollars a year as an internet mogul and has flirted with careers in television and radio. Oh yeah, he also seems to be considered by many to be a homosexual, although he has denied this, and some reports link him romantically to leggy conservative author and "O'Reilly Factor" mouthpiece, Ann Coulter.

Also, it will reported here, probably for the first time, that he looks kind of like David Wain, the guy from the comedy troupe Stella.

While the personal accounts and political views of Mr. Drudge are conflicting and perhaps a bit mysterious, one thing seems abundantly clear...

I need a life.

Saturday, February 18, 2006

Thursday, February 16, 2006

In Defense of Swearing

(Note: This particular blog is extremely preachy. Please understand, up front, that I am fully aware that I know hardly anything and hold only a meaningless degree in an unemployable field. I already regret having written it and promise there will be no more of these in the future.)

Swearing is an important part of social interaction.

Swearing indicates a sense of less-formal, more honest and trustworthy communication.

Swearing says, "listen, now that all those fucking assholes we don't really know are out of the room, we can talk for real."

This basic social assumption is the reason George Bush referred to a reporter as a "major league asshole" to his then running-mate Dick Cheney in the early stages of the 2000 election, but only when he thought no one was listening.

It is the reason Richard Nixon's "shocking" Oval Office tapes, are, in truth, anything but.

It's the reason we laugh when we watch a South Park episode with 100 swear words in it, because we appreciate that they have cut through the ridiculous public filter that envelopes most mainstream media.

Without swearing, there would be no way for a father to tell his son that they are now speaking as men.

Without swearing, there would be no truthful way to describe the sexual indiscretions of America's 42nd President.

Without swearing, there is no way to emphasize importance, exhibit discontent, reveal irony, or fight back with verbal strength.

Without swearing, we are adrift in a sea of politeness, never sure if we are on firm enough ground to admit all sides of our uniquely human personality.

"Thou shall not take the Lord's name in vain" sounds, to me, a lot more like, "I will not utilize God's name in order to propagate my own desires (i.e. to mobilize voters in order to win an election; to morally shame others and raise my community standing or make myself feel better; to extract money and/or power from an unsuspecting mass of followers).

I doubt seriously that this commandmant had much to do with a bunch of words that didn't even exist when it was written.

As for people who long for a more innocent time, in a more innocent America, where language was "clean" and values were strong...that time, if it ever existed, is over.

So fucking deal with it.

Sunday, February 12, 2006

Blizzard of '06

Mother Nature blankets the Saturday scene in the East Village...

...and attacks weekend commuters in Times Square...

...leaving city dwellers little choice but to stay inside and ponder the judicial standards of Olympic snowboaring, America's only medal sport in the early rounds of Torino.

Friday, February 10, 2006

I stole this.

Is it the NFL or is it the NBA?

36 have been accused of spousal abuse

7 have been arrested for fraud

19 have been accused of writing bad checks

117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses

3 have done time for assault

71, repeat 71, cannot get a credit card due to bad credit

14 have been arrested on drug-related charges

8 have been arrested for shoplifting

21 currently are defendants in lawsuits. and

84 have been arrested for drunk driving
in the last year!!!

Can you guess which organization this is?

Give up yet? . . . Scroll down, citizen!

It's the 535 members of the United States Congress.

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

Monday, February 06, 2006


It's weird. I watched the entire Super Bowl. Even the half-time show. (Hands down, the best rendition of "Rough Justice" the Stones have ever done.) For some reason though, I don't remember seeing Ben Rothlisberger score a touchdown. It's recorded in the box score. The outcome suggests he did. But I just can't remember actually SEEING it. Did anyone else? Did I miss something?

Also, didn't Seattle score a touchdown in the second quarter? What happened with that?

Anyway, I hope you were all able to purchase your Jerome Bettis collectible items from the 6 (yes, 6) different channels that were offering Super Bowl XL merchandise following the game. (The NFL has apparently taken a page from the marketing book of Yogurt in Spaceballs. Dink Dink...Dink Dink Dink)

I think it's important to buy memorablia after important events, so that you don't forget to remember them. Last weekend I ordered a hat and a terrible towel from QVC to commemorate the Alito appointment. Then I burned them when he voted against Thomas and Scalia in his first decision, revoking Missouri's God given right to dole out its own version of Rough Justice. Who does this fucker think he is?

(Also, my favorite part of the game was when Hasselback got penalized for tackling a guy. Take that you latte-drinking, tree huging Seattle queers! In football we only allow the quarterback to hit above the waist. That's the way it is. That's the way it has always been. If you don't like it, why don't you take a shower and stage a protest, you bearded hippies. Just like you did outside the World Trade Oraganization meeting in '99. Look how much good that accomplished. SUCKERS!)

Sunday, February 05, 2006

The Jabba Man, Kate, The Godless Scientist, The Awkward Toad, The Patass, The Architect

Friday, February 03, 2006

I'll Show You Mine...

Get it? She's sad. Hot. And sad. ------

In a shameless ploy to attract female readers to this blog (and my bedroom), I am naming Fiona Apple's 2005 album Extraordinary Machine as the top album release of last year.

The long awaited lp from the most sought after "Criminal" of the late 90's capitalizes on the stellar production of Mike Elizondo.

A previous version of the album was recorded with Jon Brion, who produced her sophmore effort "When the Pawn Hits the Conflit He Thinks Like a King and Titles His Album Some Arty Bullshit That Doesn't Make Any Sense and Turns off 90% of Potential Buyers Simply Because it Makes the Artist Appear Way Too Into Herself and Never Ends and Eventually People Begin Refering to the Album as Something Like When the Pawn I Don't Know Some Fuckin Shit..." Those cuts, however, sat on Epic's shelf for several years, collecting dust and leading some to speculate that the record industry had another Yankee Hotel Foxtrot on its hands. According to my sources (things I read on the internet), the difference here was that the album truly was unlistenable and needed a guiding hand to return the sultry goddess to top from.

Enter Elizondo, who's resume won't be listed here, as it contains a majority of acts that the people reading this blog don't enjoy, and may, in fact, detest. One listen to Extraordinary Machine, however, leaves no doubt that this guy knows what he's doing. The backing tracks immediately hook us in, never overwhelm the vocals and are just unpredictable enough to insure repeated listens. And Fiona is not bad either. Her voice strikes a compelling balance between soulful desperation and truthful, hard-won optimism, with just a hint of sexual healing sprinkled throughout. (Is any of this true...I don't know, it sounds good though. - ed)

So...The Awkward Toad has weighed in.

Although music is not my specialty, I've shown my cards. I've laid it all out on the table.

Because I care...about you...liking me.

I'm giving away free music reviews. And the Longface? Out stomping the grounds of Malaysia searching for some mythical beast? And where is Mofo? Working 5 days a week and taking classes at night? Do they even care about you?

Well, how 'bout it other bloggers I know. Do you Mofo's have any Quibbles with my selection? Let's see yours.

(You too, Mole Man. All those mustaches look the same.)