Thursday, June 22, 2006

The Death of the Internet

The Flaming Lips are my close Myspace friends. They sent me this video. It's important. They are celebrities.

Friday, June 09, 2006

This is the World We Live In...

And these are the creepy robotic hands we’ve been given.

From the BBC news…

Scientists have discovered a way to reproduce the acute sensitivity of human touch in robotic hands. Through a process I don’t pretend to understand (that is, science), professors at the University of Nebraska have finally surmounted one of the greatest hurdles on the path to our own destruction and domination.

By way of demonstration, the pair of hell-bent researchers used their device to touch a penny and it registered the grooves that comprised Abe Lincoln’s clothes and the “TY” in “Liberty.”

For this blogger, the development of robot hands seems to be the next logical step down the road toward human supplication by a race of power-driven robots fueled by a self-evolving artificial intelligence.

One researcher, however, does not see these dire consequences.

In a conference call, philosopher and sometime geologist Dr. Matthew McConnell called this theory “a piece of trash” and postulated that “his boy Bricker” could “get a robot to tap out in ten seconds.” He sees no evidence for the development of A.I and does not worry for the human species.

When he pressed for details, the interviewer was called a “fucking retard” and challenged to a match of foosball which he respectfully declined.

The call was ended when the slurred voice of an unidentified female was heard in the background, speaking loudly and warning the interviewer that the man he was talking to “knows absolutely nothing about running. NOTHING!” This voice, however, was silenced by the click of the telephone receiver.

We do not know where Brett the Mad Scientist, stands on this issue as he could not be reached for comment (read: I don't have his phone number), but our guess would be his theory is something soulless and spirit-killing.


Thursday, June 08, 2006


The passing of 6/6/06 didn’t bring the four horsemen but did allow the four major media news networks to avoid covering the Islamic Courts Union’s consolidating control over Mogadishu, (which would have forced them to admit The Inconvenient Truth that the United States government is funding tribal warlords in Somalia) and instead gave them carte blanche to shill for 20th Century Fox’s The Omen (starring Live Schreiber who was brilliant in Glengarry Glen Ross on Broadway but for some reason sucks in movies, Sphere anyone? 14% rating on Rotten Tomatoes)

6/6/06 did also bring one other interesting development.

A press release.



“L. Ron Hubbard’s bestseller Dianetics: The Modern Science of Mental Health has, for 56 years, been a pacesetter for those seeking to get rid of stress and “ignite the potential” of the human mind. And in a year in which it has sparked more grassroots interest than ever before, a Dianetics racing team announced its entrance into one of the world’s most popular sports, joining the NASCAR family.”

Full Press release here:

Driver Kenton Gary says the techniques he learned from Hubbard’s book have improved his concentration and helped him surmount many obstacles in his personal life.

Put in Scientology terms, Gary has submitted himself to the process of auditing, thereby ridding himself of Engrams and Implants to reach the state of Clear, from which he can now work toward the level of Operating Thetan.

No word yet on Gary’s reaction to the revelation that Xenu’s Galactic Confederacy is indeed responsible for clouding the human psyche with harmful Body Thetans. (Am I getting this right? I always lose the strain once I get past the third or fourth Operating Level.)

There has been no official reaction from the redneck community but it is a safe bet that hundreds of hard-working Americans are currently lamenting the loss of their final cultural refuge in a twelve-pack of Miller High Life and a slowly dwindling bag of methamphetamines.

First Blue Collar TV goes off the air and now this!