Things Don't Bode Well For U.S. at Winter Olympics

The Winter Olympics have not gone well for the United States.

So far, corporate pitch man, all-time drinker, and sometime skier Bode Miller has failed to win a medal, disappointing legions of fans that logged on to JoinBode.com in the hopes of, (I guess) living vicariously through him. In the past two weeks, Miller has been disqualified from an event, been conspicuously absent from early morning course inspections, and appeared completely exhausted after a second run in the Men's Giant Slalom.

Furthermore, gold medal hopeful Michelle Kwan injured her groin (Sorry about that, my bad - ed.) and flew back to the United States, her career essentially finished.

The U.S. Hockey team choked in their first tournament match against Finland after scoring hardly any goals in the qualifying rounds.

The Curling team took it in the face from Canada twice in two days.

Some black speedskater won a gold medal but overshadowed his own success by acting like a douche towards his teammates. Or maybe his teammates were doing that to him. Either way, they looked like idiots.

And finally, Lindsey Jacobellis blew a first place finish in a sport we fucking made up not even 10 years ago by showboating on her final jump and falling on her creepy-looking behind.

U.S.A.