A Salty Salute

It has been brought to our attention that the ABC television network plans to air a two-hour special tonight called “David Blaine: Drowned Alive.”

The Awkward Toad and his staff applaud this effort by ABC to bring quality programming to the mass media.

We, first of all, acknowledge how easy it would have been for the folks at the American Broadcasting Company to go crass with this one. A few of our staffers here are still salivating over the idea of “David Blaine: Burned to a Crisp” or “David Blaine: Guillotined.” We also believe it would have been great fun to watch the pompous magician scream in overwhelming agony as each of his fingers is brutally circumcised (one for each letter in Fiona Apple’s name) in “David Blaine: AHHHHH!.” Think of the ratings!

But, thankfully, ABC has opted to keep this one classy. Drowning, after all, does seem to be a fair compromise. We will still be able to watch Blaine writhe and gasp helplessly as he searches for a pocket of air that we all know isn’t forthcoming, but the water will softly silence his screams of pain and desperate pleas for life. If all goes to plan, his final expiration will look almost as peaceful as a sunset with Blaine collapsing from exhaustion and his lungs slowly filling with water.

A number of us are going down to Columbus Circle (9th Avenue b/n 63rd and 64th Street) to witness Blaine's demise in person. We have a keg of Bud Light and will be picking up a bag of subs from Quizno's on the way. If you are interested, it's $5 dollars all you can eat and all you can drink, plus an extra $10 if you want an official "I watched David Blaine die" t-shirt. Should be good times.

Once again, from all of us here at The Awkward Toad to all of you at ABC, kudos.