Whatcugonnado with all them facts?

(Note: The article below consists solely of the opinions of its author and is in no way a reflection of the views, opinions, or ideas of, apparently, any one else in the whole world.)

My good friend Brett believes the information swapped on the internet by members of our amazing race is generally useless. While I tend to agree with this evaluation, I find it incumbent on me, being a man of action, to at least do my part and impart (how ‘bout that) some valuable knowledge to people around the globe (or at least around the Northeast.)

For this article I have put aside my normal procedure of copying information from websites and repeating it in an ironic fashion and instead posted something straight from the heart

My great hope is that others will follow suit and that this unrestricted exchange of ideas will trigger a Golden Age for our Civilization. (This is something I know a good deal about, as I have already brought about three Golden Ages for my Roman civilization as we approach the Modern era, as well as produced a large number of great leaders and half of all the Great Wonders on the planet. Granted, I am playing on the Chieften difficulty and automating my workers, but I did it all without employing slavery and limited my warmongering to the destruction of Germany, who had the impunity to settle their capital on my eastern seaboard.)

What follows are a few “power points” I have found helpful for daily living. Enjoy!

- The Song “My Humps” is bad. If you like this song, you need to reevaluate your life. If it is, in fact, “your jam”, I fear we may already be too late.

- I found a great new diet. It’s called the Uganda Diet. It involves not eating. This fab (not fad) diet has been doing wonders in third world countries for decades and has finally made its way across the Atlantic. Check next month’s Cosmo for details.

- You shouldn’t raise children in New York City. If you have a young child and are currently living in Manhattan, move to the suburbs (and lease me your apartment). This way you won’t face questions like “why are there no videos in the video store”, or “why did that man just pee between the subway cars”, (a question I had to ask myself this morning) or “why doesn’t anyone help that man sleeping on the sewer grate,” before an age where you can simply say “because that’s the way the world works.”

- Mexicans should be given free beer. They work hard. Harder than you or me. We get free nachos and salsa at their restaurants. They should get a few free beers after work.

- The boy’s bad news.

- If you are riding the ferry from Staten Island to Manhattan, the Statue of Liberty is on your left. If you are riding it from Manhattan to Staten Island then God help you and the Statue of Liberty is on your right. There. Now please stop asking me.

- The guy from Underworld? The dead guy from CSI? A.J. on American Idol? John Stamos? Scott Stapp?!? I find it hard to believe I resemble these people.

- The Fidelity Investments commercial with "Innagoddadavida" playing and swirling LSD-like images in the background is definitive proof that individual people don’t matter.

- A mixed drink shouldn’t cost $11 dollars. I don’t care what city I am in.

- People don’t like to talk about politics. If you want to say something about politics you better make sure it is funny. If it isn’t funny, it will be disregarded. The only time it is acceptable to talk about politics is when you are surrounded by people that already agree with you. People enjoy agreeing with each other. Very liberal people, for instance, all agree George Bush is bad. They enjoy very much to talk about this. Very conservative people all agree that sports are great and money is even greater. They will speak on these topics for hours, all the while devouring the hearts of America’s youth. (Was that funny enough?)

- In a related matter, our Congress has done nothing about lobbying reform. According to Chris Matthews, who wears more make-up than most drag queens, lobbying reform is “losing steam” in the House of Representatives. We should do something about that. Like vote for other people and then ask them to place greater restrictions on themselves.

- I know nothing about college basketball. This is made clear to me every March.

- In any given half-hour time slot, CNN Headline News spends about 10 minutes on actual news. The rest of the time is devoted to sports, entertainment and commercials. Watch it and tell me I’m wrong.

- Electronic music is not good. You shouldn’t have to take drugs in order to enjoy something. (Life, for instance.) Imagine if I fed you a sandwich but told you it would only taste good if you took a pill an hour beforehand. You would say that’s a bad sandwich.

If there is a girl out there that agrees with all of the above (and is hot), will you marry me?

(P.S. There is a show on CBS tonight called “Time Bomb.” Is it about Jake?)