U.S. Slaughters South Africans

The U.S. Baseball team blanked South Africa and posted 17 runs in a game that ended after 5 innings due to the World Baseball Classic’s mercy rule.

Roger Clemons pitched 4 1/3 scoreless innings and promptly retired from baseball, only to resume his career in the next five minutes. South Africa’s starter, Carl Michaels, somehow contracted HIV during the 2nd inning and was replaced by seventeen year old Jared Eliro, who managed to pitch a scoreless inning against the American fat cats.

During the 4th, apartheid was ended in the homeland of the visiting team, and some of the black players, held in a cell underneath the dugout of Scottsdale Stadium, which usually serves as the spring training facility for the San Francisco Giants and a massive containment unit for Barry Bonds, were released and allowed to play (but not vote.)

With their win over the mineral rich and Western-friendly nation, the U.S. has entered the second-round of play. A shocking loss to lame Canada in the first round made the merciful destruction of South Africa a must for the American Empire.

The team representing the nation blessed by God will meet Japan in the second round on Sunday, assuming, of course, that the Japanese players don’t join an internet-suicide cult and off themselves before the opening pitch. (Read about it: http://www.msnbc.com/news/922190.asp?cp1=1)

Is baseball still the American pastime? Or has it been outsourced like your father's last job?

Let's find out.