Monday, January 23, 2006

Scoring with Lynn


"Your self-esteem...yea...now, what is that?"

In its infinite wisdom, the governing body of the great state of Pennsylvania has finally given its residents a political race with issues they can understand on an intimate and personal level.

In short, "Which football team do you like better?"

Former wideout for the Pittsburgh Steelers, Lynn Swan, has officially announced that he will challenge incumbent Pennsylvania governor Ed Rendell in the 2006 campaign.

Rendell, a former mayor of Philadelphia, is best known around the tri-state area for his insightful (read totally useless- ed) analysis after Eagles football games on Comcast Sportsnet. He has, as of late, been a vocal opponent of Terrell Owens, Andy Reid's clock management, as well as America's reliance on foreign oil. Since replacing Republican mayor Mark S. Schweiker in 2004, Rendell has raised the Pennsylvania governor's office to a place of national prominence (read: interviewed on CNN occasionally - ed).

Now, as the Black and Gold march toward Super Bowl Sunday, the one time ballerina and all-time Pittsburgh receptions leader (actually I think that's Hines Ward but the sentence was too good to pass up - ed) has securely fastened his chin strap and entered the political arena.

Not since Joseph Ritner ran and won on the Anti-Masonic ticket in 1835 has a political announcement in PA been greeted with such widespread intrigue. Younger residents of the Steel city, which is currently ranked last among major U.S. cities for singles, may finally have something to celebrate. If Ben Rothlisberger can lead his team to victory on Feb. 5 and Swan can compile enough swing votes to overcome the rest of the black people in Pennsylvania, just think of what it could mean for all the sex-starved fraternity brothers at Pittsburgh University. It may be just enough to convince a few coal minor's daughters to climb the steep hill that leads to their campus, down a few Boilermakers in celebration, and, well...who knows where that could lead?

But I digress.

For now, it seems the usual partisan bickering and ugly, sound bite driven politics that generally accompany a high profile political race will be replaced by a simple "if...then" scenario.

If you like the Steelers, then you vote Swan.
If you like the Eagles, then you vote Rendell.
If you like the Philadelphia Soul, then you write in Bon Jovi and throw your panties at the moderator.


Simple. And in this time of national crisis, that's what we need.

A simple election for a simple people.

4 Comments:

At 5:35 PM, Anonymous pistol said...

Great blog but you need to update more often.

 
At 5:55 PM, Blogger The Awkward Toad said...

I'm picking up your sarcasm.

 
At 9:26 PM, Blogger j a k e said...

Seriously Todd. Are you dictating to a secretary? You have just blogged more in an hour than Shane, Mangat and I have combined. Excellent work my friend. Especially the part about Pittsburgh being ass.

 
At 10:14 PM, Blogger The Awkward Toad said...

I would love to take that credit, but all I really did was cut and paste from my blog on myspace.

 

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