Sunday, March 04, 2007

Another Political Blog You're Not Gonna Read

While we all know the list of candidates for the Democratic Party's Presidential nomination this year (Girl vs. Black Guy vs. John Edwards), barely anyone is mentioning the Republican hopefuls. So the Awkward Toad thought it prudent to give you a quick introduction to some of the leading candidates.

This is mainly because the video from YouTube with Matt Lauer interviewing/hitting on the teacher from Florida that had sex her student won't upload onto the blogsite.

(Our favorite line, when asked if she was worried people would find out about her affair after having sex with the boy in the backseat of her SUV while his friends watched, she says no, it didn't even cross her mind, and that all his friends were giving him high five's and slapping him on the back. Also funny, at one point she says the phrase "we didn't want to piss off our parents" and then looks around and apologizes for swearing - this is America, where people don't know if it's bad to have sex with 14 year old kids, but they do know you can't say "piss-off" on network television. Here is a picture of her just for fun.)

Anyway, without further ado -

Sam Brow
nback - The "gold standard" for a fundamentalist presidential candidate, Brownback describes himself as an "economic, fiscal, social, and compassionate conservative," So! If you are a fan of God, an opponent of cancer (which he has pledged to eliminate in ten years), paying less money to the federal government, not liking people that are different from you, and Domino's Pizza (a major campaign contributor) here's your guy. Too bad he's not gonna win.

Newt Gingrich - It wasn't too long ago that the former Speaker of the House had a "Contract with America," so pull the blinds and cut the lights because now he's coming to collect. He supports a "guest worker program" for illegal immigrants, (which puts him at odds with many in his party), a citizen's unhindered right to bear arms, international free trade without protectionism and is rumored to eat his offspring to ensure that none will become more powerful than he.

Rudy Giuliani - Famous for his leadership during 9/11 and an odd, pro-choice, pro-stem cell, pro civil-unions, pro-divorce (he's been married three times, once to his second-cousin) Catholic conservative, Giuliani is Italian and therefore probably in the mafia, although he gained early recognition for prosecuting high-profile organized crime cases, which means that not only is he a criminal, but also a rat. He is described by Atlantic magazine as a "maximalist" on the War on Terror and is responsible for the disappearance of all the homeless people in New York City. We don't know where they went, but we thank him.

John McCain - Probably the most high-profile of all the Republican candidates, this former prisoner of war and decorated military officer would be the oldest person in history to assume the presidency. He supports a guest worker program, courage (which he wrote an entire book in favor of), a hard-line approach to Iran, and the Iraq War. In 1998 McCain found himself in hot water after telling a joke at a Republican fund-raiser about Bill Clinton's daughter, Chelsea, saying "Why is Chelsea Clinton so ugly? Because her father is Janet Reno.”

Mitt Romney - Oddly, Mitt Romney is most famous for delivering universal health care to the gun-toting, fatigues-wearing populous of that bastion of conservative politics, Massachusettes? He is a Mormon and, with the help of John Smith, Romney is apparently going to provide basic minimum health coverage to every single person in America without raising taxes. Just kidding, he's not gonna win either.

None of these guys are. Obama v. Clinton. Choose your weapons.


At 11:03 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...


At 10:45 PM, Anonymous Ann Coulter said...

I'd vote for John Edwards if he wasn't such a fag.


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